The following is my truly ridiculous Wikipedia entry for ‘Baconday‘ – a birthday present for a quasi-nephew who recently turned 14. I forget how much I enjoy writing outlandish stories. What have you forgotten that you enjoyed?
A baconday is a day that comes once a year when a person celebrates the anniversary of their birth. Created in 1776 by the Connecticut delegate to the Continental Congress Silas Deane, this amendment to the concept of a birthday is celebrated in the New England region of the United States, often with a ridiculous rite of passage, usually involving a feat of strength.
On a sea voyage to France with noted prankster Benjamin Franklin, the two foreign diplomats imbibed many an impromptu concoction. One fine day, a carefully rationed experiment in brewing bacon ale resulted in a four-bottle batch, of which three were intended for supporter of American independence Beaumarchais. The fourth bottle was shared between Deane and Franklin, with subsequent conversations resulting in baconday, an idea so creative, by their impaired judgement, that they feared the creative power of such a drink in French hands to the degree that they withheld their gift. Missing since the trans-Atlantic trip, the location of these bottles have been the subject of fable among New England bacon-lovers.
One bottle was found and sold at Christie’s auction house in 2007 for 100 brazillion dollars. The other two are still on the loose. Watch out.
Intended for the families of Connecticut delegates, Deane proclaimed 13 bacon-related challenges, after the 13 American colonies, to be assigned and completed at each birthday, starting from one’s 13th birthday. Records were kept at the State House in Hartford, until the start of the Civil War, whereupon the more pressing matters at hand pushed out the jocular tradition from daily focus.
Pre-Civil War, the state’s government meetings began with a summary of the bacondays’ events since the previous meeting. Post-Civil War, the agenda item is not addressed, although it ceremoniously remains in the agenda as a reminder of those lost during the war.
1st Baconday, 13th Birthday
Snort 13 fl. oz. of bacon grease in 13 minutes.
2nd Baconday, 14th Birthday
Consume 14 lbs of bacon in 14 minutes.
3rd Baconday, 15th Birthday
Wear 15 strips of bacon, from dawn ’til dusk, as the only item of ‘clothing’.
4th Baconday, 16th Birthday
Debate the virtues of crown rule against 16 strips of bacon in the town square.
5th Baconday, 17th Birthday
Soak in 17 pounds of bacon, from dawn ’til dusk.
6th Baconday, 18th Birthday
Run for mayor, with 18 strips of bacon as your running mate.
7th Baconday, 19th Birthday
Balance 19 lbs of bacon on your head in the town square.
8th Baconday, 20th Birthday
Perform an elaborate 20-part marriage proposal to a strip of bacon in the town square at noon.
9th Baconday, 21st Birthday
Take 21 shots of bacon grease, for breakfast.
10th Baconday, 22nd Birthday
Walk around, from dawn ’til dusk, with 22 strips of bacon in your shoes.
11th Baconday, 23rd Birthday
Submit to the state house a self-portrait using 23 strips of bacon.
12th Baconday, 24th Birthday
Legally change your name, first and last, to ‘Bacon’, for 24 days.
13th Baconday, 25th Birthday
Sing a 25-minute song, recounting your previous Bacondays.
References in Popular Culture